It’s right there in the name: Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude, connection, and reflection with those we love. In a narcissistic family, holidays can feel more like a gauntlet to be survived than events to look forward to. Holidays like Thanksgiving can be tense, anxious affairs at the best of times. In the aftermath of a fraught, polarizing election, that anxiety might be upgraded to dread.
We can try to “keep politics out of it,” but the truth is that the current political climate has shifted in ways that might make these gatherings feel more challenging than ever. If you are worried about spending the holiday with narcissistic family members with strongly opposing political views, you are definitely not alone. Political and cultural polarization have become endemic in recent years, making it challenging to navigate difficult conversations. That is especially true when those conversations involve a narcissistic loved one.
Thankfully, you don’t have to navigate these stormy waters alone. In this blog post, I offer 7 tips to help you survive Thanksgiving with a narcissistic family. May these strategies help you through the narcissistic dynamics and political tensions while also holding space for the things that matter most: connection, love, and understanding.
Understanding the root of the tension
It is crucial to acknowledge that for many of us, political differences are more than just a matter of opinion. Politics touch on our core identities, values, and beliefs about justice, morality, and safety. When someone holds a view that seems to fundamentally contradict your own, it is natural to feel defensive or upset. This is especially true if those views feel dismissive or harmful of your own experiences.
If you are part of a marginalized group or have personal stakes in certain policies, hearing family members express views that invalidate your experiences can be profoundly distressing. In these situations, the conversation is not just about politics – it is about your sense of self-worth and safety.
At the same time, try to remember that everyone comes to the table with their own beliefs and experiences. We are all shaped by our upbringing, life circumstances, and media consumption. What seems obvious or “common sense” to one person might not be to another. It is possible they do not see the harm in their words. Or, they may feel threatened by what they perceive as an attack on their values or way of life. That doesn’t change the painful reality for you, but it could be helpful to remember that people often act from ignorance rather than intentional malice. Especially if those people include loved ones you want to keep in your life.
So, what can you do to navigate these tricky conversations with grace and care?
1. Set intentions for the day
Proactivity is your friend. Before you head into your Thanksgiving celebration, take a moment to set an intention for the day. What do you want to prioritize? What are your values going into the gathering?
Perhaps you want to focus on building connections with family members despite political differences. Maybe you want to be intentional about keeping the peace and avoiding unnecessary conflict. Or, it may feel very important to you to speak up and speak out on a certain topic. Setting your intention(s) beforehand can help ground you when things start to feel tense. If the conversation starts to stray into dangerous woods, remind yourself of your intentions. You are there to enjoy the company of people you care about, to be present in the moment, and to care for your vulnerable and protective parts.
One useful practice is to write down your intention and keep it with you – whether in your phone, on paper, or in your mind. If you get swept up in anxiety or frustration, take a deep breath and reconnect with your original purpose.
2. Set boundaries (and be ready to enforce them)
It is important to know your limits when it comes to political discussions with family. If certain topics, phrases, or words are triggers for you, it is okay to politely, but firmly set boundaries.
You might say something like:
“Hmm, I am feeling a little overwhelmed by this conversation, so I am going to take a break.”
“We may not see eye to eye on this issue, and I would rather not discuss politics today.”
“I would love to focus on something we can all enjoy, like our shared love of [insert something positive, like a favorite family memory or the food we are eating].”
Setting boundaries does not have to be confrontational, and confrontation does not have to mean aggression. Staying calm and grounded makes you more likely to maintain your boundaries (regardless of how they are received). You do not need to explain yourself in depth. A simple, clear statement is enough.
It is also important to be prepared to enforce boundaries such as disengagement. Saying you’ll walk away from an antagonizing conversation but failing to do so makes your attempts to set boundaries an empty statement. Once you have expressed your desire to end an activating topic or discussion, make sure you act accordingly. Walk away, change the subject, stuff a big bite of pie into your mouth…do what you need to create some space and disengage from the discussion.
3. Practice compassion for yourself and others
One of the toughest things about navigating Thanksgiving in a politically charged climate is the tendency to view disagreements as personal attacks. When someone expresses a triggering or distressing viewpoint, it is easy to feel like they are rejecting you. And in fairness, some voting choices do endorse policies that a candidate may express as attacks. Try to remember the golden rule of the narcissist: It’s all about me.
For better and for worse, most people are more focused on meeting their own needs than they are on anyone around them. This goes double for a narcissist or emotionally immature person. But, intentional or not, it can be terribly hurtful to realize people you love could vote in ways that put you at risk. You have a right to whatever feelings this brings for you. And having compassion doesn’t mean you should ignore your feelings or let them fester.
Important distinction: having compassion for someone does not mean you have to excuse the pain they cause you. It doesn’t mean their trauma is a get-out-of-jail-free card. And it doesn’t mean you have to let them mistreat you because they have also suffered in their lives. Having compassion simply means acknowledging that someone has experienced pain, and feeling sadness, regret, or empathy for their suffering.
Spending time with narcissistic loved ones is hard in its own right. And the added pressures of holiday expectations and a highly charged political climate can become overwhelming. You don’t have to handle every discussion perfectly or always know the right things to say. It is okay to feel frustrated, upset, angry, or sad. These emotions are normal. Try to be gentle and nonjudgmental with yourself. Acknowledge what you’re feeling, and try to accept your feelings without criticism.
4. Embrace silence when necessary
Did you know you don’t have to participate in every conversation? Especially if it is heading in a direction that makes you stressed or uncomfortable. Sometimes setting a boundary is as simple as choosing not to respond to bait, or not rising to provocation. Sometimes, silence is the best response. There is nothing wrong with quietly removing yourself from a conversation, either physically or emotionally.
There are many ways to express your choice to not engage in certain topics or discussions. You can verbalize your discomfort with the conversation. You can also “opt out” by choosing not to say anything. If someone brings up a controversial or activating topic, you can choose to not engage or redirect the conversation. And if someone tries to force you to respond, you can say something like, “I’m still forming my opinions. I’ll share them when I’m ready to.”
You can also use silence to create breathing room for yourself when a topic is becoming heated and you can’t (or don’t want to) fully withdraw. If a conversation is escalating and you feel your anxiety rising, excuse yourself from the table for a moment. You can step into another room to collect yourself, take a walk, or simply sit in quiet reflection. Reconnect with your intention for the day and take a few moments to breathe deeply. Return when you feel calm, centered, and prepared to either re-engage or disengage.
5. Redirect the conversation
When silence is not an option, or doesn’t feel like the right approach, you have other options. You can redirect conversations that become too heated, steering the conversation in a different direction. If you are unsure of how to pivot, try focusing on shared experiences or memories that bring people together.
Here are a few examples:
“Speaking of family, have any of you seen that new movie on Netflix? I have heard it is great!”
“You know, this reminds me of the time when we all [insert funny or heartwarming memory].”
“I would love to hear about everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving traditions over the years.”
Redirecting the conversation does not have to be confrontational. It can be a subtle way of shifting the emotional energy in the room, bringing the focus back to positivity and connection.
6. Find support before and after the gathering
Navigating Thanksgiving, especially in an emotionally charged environment, can be draining. Make sure to check in with yourself before and after the event. Have a plan for active self-care. Talk to a friend, go for a walk, engage in some form of relaxation, or journal. Be intentional about your recovery. Zoning out and binging Friends for the 10th time might feel soothing, but may not be enough to really fill you back up after an exhausting family event.
If you are particularly anxious, it might help to talk through your concerns with a therapist or a trusted friend beforehand. Sometimes, simply voicing our worries can lessen their intensity. And it can be helpful to strategize how you will handle the challenges you anticipate encountering.
After the event, take time to reflect on how you felt, and what worked (or didn’t work) for you. It is important to honor your feelings, so give yourself the grace to process them. If you need to reach out for emotional support, do not hesitate. You deserve to feel heard and validated.
7. Remember that you can’t control others
This might be one of the most important points to remember: You cannot control how others behave, how they react, or what they say. No matter how much you may want to change someone’s mind or avoid conflict, some things are simply out of your hands.
What you can control is how you respond. By practicing patience, setting boundaries, and focusing on what is meaningful to you, you model self-respect. Sometimes your modeling that can ripple outward. Your calm presence and emotional resilience may inspire others to approach the conversation with more openness and understanding. And even if they don’t take inspiration from you, you can leave knowing you honored your truth stayed in your integrity.
Final thoughts
Thanksgiving, in its best form, is an opportunity to connect with others. It is a day to express gratitude and celebrate the bonds that hold us together. In times of political division, it can be difficult to remember what connects us. Especially when those divisions are deeply personal, and supporting them may feel like a betrayal. If you are feeling anxious or unsure about how to handle difficult political conversations this year, I encourage you to approach the holiday with kindness, self-compassion and a focus on connection.
Remember that you are not alone in feeling this tension. And remember that you deserve to enjoy this time of year without sacrificing your peace of mind. It is okay to step away when needed, set boundaries, and prioritize what matters most to you. Practice compassion for your loved ones, but don’t forget to extend it to yourself as well. The holiday season is about more than turkeys and cranberry sauce; it is about appreciating the humanity in each other and in ourselves.
Wishing you a peaceful, balanced, and fulfilling Thanksgiving. Take care of yourself, and may your heart find moments of warmth and connection amidst any challenges that arise.
