Working with adult children of narcissists for over 14 years has taught me a lot about what they need in therapy. Some of my understanding and practices have evolved over time, while others remain steadfast. Four years ago, I wrote a blog article geared toward helping adult children of narcissists cope with the pressures and triggers of the holiday season. This year I am sharing some of the ways that I, as a therapist, help my clients navigate this tricky season. Here are five things therapists need to know about narcissistic families during the holidays.
- Therapist Need to Know: Narcissistic parents still expect adult children to prioritize the parent regardless of age or stage of life.
Message to clients: You don’t owe anyone your presence – including family.
While the holidays are a time that most people want to see their loved ones, narcissistic parents take this to another level. They feel entitled to their adult child’s time and attention, using guilt to smother resistance. If the adult child persists in setting a boundary or refusing to comply, the parent frames them as immature, selfish, cruel, or snobbish.
Clients often struggle with this framing, alternatively denying their parents’ labels and questioning if they truly are being selfish. They may feel an intense sense of obligation, sometimes at odds with a resentful desire to flip their parent the bird instead. This is a great place to get curious, exploring both sides of the internal conflict to help clients gain insight. One way to do this is to use parts language, which might sound something like:
“I hear your belief that you must travel to see your parents for Christmas, even though it’s a 9 hour drive with an infant. I also hear a part that is angry with them for having such a ridiculous expectation of you. I’m curious about that dynamic – one part that feels like you should comply, and another that says ‘hell, no.’ Could we check that out?”
This reframe not only helps to normalize the client’s emotional conflict, but also gives a voice to parts that are often silenced. Hearing from all of those parts allows them to make a more informed decision about holiday plans. It also strengthens their sense of self as well as their right to autonomy.
- Therapist Need to Know: Narcissistic loved ones can suck the joy out of a holiday, leading to grief and resentment instead of joy.
Message to clients: Your feelings are valid.
Narcissistic individuals place a high value on appearances, and not just their own. They expect other family members to uphold the image of a happy, successful, Pinterest-perfect family regardless of how they actually feel. Part of their negative reaction to adult children choosing not to visit or to set other boundaries is that those choices contradict the image the parent wants to portray.
Memories of the sharp contradiction between a narcissist’s public smile and the private snarl can make it hard for an adult child to truly enjoy the holidays. They may feel obligated to please their parents even though it hurts, or feel guilty for resenting their narcissistic loved one. It is important to not only validate but normalize these complex feelings.
Despite feeling many emotions at once, adult children frequently feel pressure to choose one feeling as ‘correct,’ invalidating or ignoring any others. They have experienced years of gaslighting, which leads to self-doubt and confusion. They may also have been interrogated and/or ridiculed for their feelings, making them want to hide their feelings (even from themselves). Making space in your office for all emotions–and all the parts that hold them–to feel truly welcomed is a breath of fresh air. Affirm their right to feel how they feel, and encourage them to acknowledge all feelings as equally valid.
- Therapist Need to Know: Narcissists expect others to forgive and forget, despite not offering the same grace to their adult children.
Message to clients: Your memories are part of your decision-making process.
Narcissists can be some of the biggest proponents of the mantra ‘forgive and forget,’ as long as they are the recipients. When it comes to grudge-holding, they are the champions. They expect those they have hurt to get over it, sweep it under the rug, or accept the hurtful behavior without complaint. Adult children may dread seeing their parents because they know there is no room for them to be upset about hurtful behavior or to address it without inviting conflict. Conflict may bring about a vindictive rage from the narcissist, who is now willing to start pulling things out from under the rug in order to throw them in their child’s face.
The past is very much alive in narcissistic families, and narcissistic parents are willing to weaponize it to coerce a rebellious adult child into compliance. And adult children go to family gatherings with vivid memories of past conflicts in which they were humiliated, berated, and swept aside. They may have parts that live in terror of future humiliation and would do anything to avoid it. They may have parts that have absorbed messages of shame and unworthiness so deeply that it becomes part of their core identity. These memories play a key role in dividing how to handle family holidays, and we can’t dismiss or discount their importance.
Not only do our clients face this pressure from the narcissistic parent, they may also face it from siblings and other family members in the form of flying monkeys. Clients may be urged to make like Elsa and let it go, and we need to be careful not to join the chorus. Clients are entitled to use memories of the past to determine the safest course in the present. Absent some evidence of changed behavior, it makes sense for clients to plan for the future based on what they’ve seen in the past. We can help them balance the weight of these memories through trauma processing work, but they are allowed to use their memories as part of their decision-making process.
- Therapist Need to Knows: Narcissistic parents don’t tolerate rebellion, and clients may struggle to go against the grain.
Message to clients: It’s ok to say no.
They often feel foolish, childish, or embarrassed by the anxiety that accompanies the thought of saying no to a narcissist. They may laugh nervously, apologize for their difficulty, or become very self-critical when they struggle to say no. Parts work can again be a great way to explore the emotions around saying no–the parts that want to assert themselves, those that fear repercussions, and those who just plain don’t know how to do it. Reminding clients that they were conditioned to view ‘no’ as a bad word can help to contextualize the struggle and remind them that you’re not judging them for struggling.
Helping clients identify the reasons for saying no can also be helpful. What values are they upholding or protecting by setting this boundary? How does saying no help or protect them? What do they hope to model for their own children by saying no? What benefits could come from saying no? Help them expand the conversation around ‘no’ by exploring all sides of the coin.
- Therapist Need to Know: Seeing a narcissistic parent may be the cost of seeing other loved ones if the narcissist acts as a family gatekeeper.
Message to clients: If you say yes, you can do so on your own terms.
In some families, a narcissistic parent is a gatekeeper controlling access to other loved ones. Younger siblings, elderly relatives, even the other parent may all be accessible only through the narcissist, making the situation even more complex. In order to maintain connection with these loved ones, some adult children will choose to accept a narcissist’s invitation. Others may feel that they have a moral obligation to remain in contact with a narcissistic parent because it fits their personal ethical code. They may choose to continue in a difficult family dynamic to uphold a value they personally believe in. That is their right, and we can support them by helping them go into such visits with open eyes and a prepared mind and heart.
Embracing their autonomy means our clients will not always do what we think would be best for them. Encouraging them to make their own choices means validating their right to choose what they believe is best for themselves, even if we see it differently.
We can help our clients make informed decisions by exploring their options, working through the many feelings and parts that may arise, and then trusting them to make their choice. Sometimes supporting clients looks like helping them plan an emergency exit strategy from a family gathering you really wish they would skip. Sometimes it means voicing a concern and then sitting back and letting them decide what to do with it. Sometimes it means spending time with our own parts that want things for our clients, and checking to see that we aren’t intruding on their process.
Registration is now open for my upcoming consultation group starting January 2026!
