When people ask me how I found my niche of working with adult children of narcissists, I often think of a particular client* from early in my career (*details changed for confidentiality). She wasn’t the first, and certainly far from the last adult child of a narcissistic parent that I worked with. But she was memorable for many reasons. One of the first things she said upon introducing herself was, “I think I have to cut off my father.”
I worked with this client for most of a year, exploring the relationship, the family history, the current stressors, and the complex emotions surrounding such a difficult decision. I did not try to deter her from her plan, nor did I try to influence her decision. I invited her to be curious about what had led up to this point, how she imagined life would change if her father was no longer part of it, and what she believed to be influencing his hurtful behaviors.
Over the months we worked together, I developed tremendous respect for this client. She showed remarkable patience, compassion, and willingness to consider her father’s perspective despite her own anger and hurt from his decades of harmful behavior. She had the insight to recognize that going no contact was not what she truly wanted, but the only road forward she could see after so many failed attempts to improve their relationship singlehandedly. She faced the complex grief of ambiguous loss.
I think that if her father could have seen her – really seen her – he would have been stunned to see the amount of mental energy, time, and emotional exhaustion she poured into this decision process. What may have looked from the outside like a callous, abrupt decision was in fact the product of countless hours of agonizing over, second-guessing, and examining every inch of the options before her.
I thought of this client when I wrote the article below, some years later. Originally published in 2018, this article is my answer to Elizabeth Bernstein’s WSJ article asking, “Are Therapists to Blame for the Rise of Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?” I won’t say what my client’s ultimate decision was, only that she left our time together feeling at peace with her choice. And that is largely because it was her choice.
Therapists are trained to avoid giving “easy answers” or trying to sway our clients to a specific choice. Our job is to hold space for questions, explore the depth and breadth of what a choice might mean, and support our clients’ agency and autonomy in making the best choice they can. From my first day of graduate school to the present day, I hold firmly to that ethos. And for that reason, it (still) has to be your choice.
Original 2018 article
Going No-Contact: Why It Has to be Your Choice
May 27, 2018
The Question
“Do you think I should go no-contact with my narcissistic mom?”
“Do I have to see my emotionally abusive dad at the holidays?”
“I don’t want to ever see my parents again, but I feel like cutting them off would be wrong. What do I do?”
Hearing these questions from clients always makes my heart skip a beat. I always take a slow, deep breath before I answer. Not because the question scares me, but because it is so big, and so important, that anything less than full, serious attention to it would be disrespectful.
I will never forget the clients who come to therapy because they are on the brink of ending a relationship with a parent or loved one forever. Years of emotional abuse, invalidation, intrusive behavior, and boundary-stomping leave them feeling they have no choice but to walk away. Some of those clients ultimately decide that they do not need to go no-contact. Setting boundaries, embracing internal autonomy, and shifting their perspective shows almost immediate benefits, and may feel like enough.
Other clients come to me having already tried numerous times to make a loved one understand how much they have been hurt in this relationship, to plead for empathy and basic human courtesy instead of manipulation and abuse. They have set boundaries, begged, pleaded, and given warnings in a desperate hope that their parent or loved one will realize the precipice on which they stand. These clients come to me already grieving the loss of a relationship that may not be salvageable.
The Answer
Part of the work of growing as humans is determining where our personal boundaries lie and how to express them in relationships. In a healthy relationship, we can establish boundaries such as what differentiates one person from the other, what behaviors and actions are acceptable or unacceptable, and how we will respond if the other person does not honor them. In a healthy relationship, those boundaries are respected. In a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, or emotionally neglectful relationship, however, they are more likely to be ignored and stomped.
Each person has a unique and individual level of tolerance for their loved one’s boundary-stomping behavior. Each person has a unique and individual level of acceptance that certain hurtful dynamics in a given relationship may never change, no matter how healthy the boundaries they create. And each person has a unique and individual choice to make.
And that’s why my answer to whether someone should end a harmful relationship usually boils down to some version of this: I don’t know.
But you do.
You may have been taught to doubt your intuition, or to place the welfare and feelings of everyone else ahead of your own. You may worry about how the other person will feel. And the guilt of having to hurt someone – no matter how much they may deserve to lose you – may keep you stuck for longer than you’d like. But your intuition, that little voice of inner wisdom built through time and experiences, knows what you need. Learning to listen to the parts of you that have opinions about that relationship deserve their chance to speak. Theirs – yours – are the voices that matter most.
So when you ask me if you should cut off your abusive mom, your narcissistic dad, or your manipulative brother, I can’t–won’t– tell you yes or no. This is your life, and that choice needs to be yours. I will support you in working through everything related to this choice. And I will recognize and celebrate your strength and courage in making that choice, whichever way it falls.
The Truth
Courage comes in many forms. There is courage in remaining connected to someone who can’t love unconditionally, in the way that feels right and true to you. And there is courage in choosing to walk away from a relationship that makes you less of yourself. I will support you as you choose your courage.
I know you can do it. And I will be here with you every step of the way.
