The hunt for understanding
You’ve read every article about narcissism in families, but you’re still unsure your family qualifies. Spending time with them usually leaves you feeling overwhelmed and confused – but it’s hard to put a finger on why.
Maybe you can’t shake the feeling that something is just off in your family, but you can’t tell what it is. Or maybe you question if your family is truly narcissistic because they don’t look just like the examples you’ve found online. If you’ve struggled with these questions and others like them, you are not alone. We often think of narcissistic traits as appearing grandiose, bombastic, and overtly self-absorbed. The truth is, grandiose narcissism is only one face of this confusing phenomenon.
Harder to spot, but just as real and just as crazy-making is covert narcissism. In this article, we will be looking at five ways that covert narcissism can present in a family dynamic. Once you know what to look for, you can make an informed decision about how to respond. Are you ready? Let’s jump in!
Seeing beneath the surface
Covert narcissism lurks beneath the surface of a relationship, weaving a subtle web of manipulation and emotional unrest. It can easily go unnoticed or be attributed to other causes such as anxiety, family closeness, or difficulty with change. In a covert narcissistic relationship, manipulation and emotional abuse are often cloaked in rationales that can provoke guilt when questioned.
These relationships are all the more difficult because so much of the manipulation takes place below the surface, where it’s hard to differentiate from genuine concern and love. It can be hard to tell what is real and what is a mirage. especially when the behaviors and mechanisms are not the obvious ones we can readily identify. By shedding light on these less obvious indicators, we start to untangle the complexities of covert narcissism and its effects on family relationships.
Tactic 1: Emotional manipulation through guilt.
Unlike overt narcissists who may publicly display their manipulative tactics, covert narcissists are absolute masters at subtle manipulation tactics. A grandiose narcissist may use public ridicule or criticism to cow and control a victim. Covert narcissists may instead use crocodile tears, exaggerated or invented health problems, and emotional distress to control others. By suggesting or implying the victim is causing harm through their non-abusive, developmentally normal actions, the covert narcissist evokes guilt and shame. These feelings often cause victims to walk back their stance, behavior, or opinion to soothe or appease the narcissist.
Pay attention to how often your wants and needs are painted as selfish, hurtful, harmful, or cruel. Is there a pattern that whenever you want something for yourself, you’re told you are being selfish? Do you feel an excessive need to justify your requests or plans to avoid upsetting your loved ones? Do you question your perception of a conflict because it seemed minor to you but caused the narcissist sudden “chest pains” that miraculously disappeared when you gave in?
Survival Tip 1: Make a distinction between compassion and caretaking.
Your narcissistic loved one may actually feel anxiety or concern about changes in the family dynamics, but their emotions are not your responsibility. You can feel compassion for the pain your narcissistic parent expresses without being compelled to fix it for them. Remind yourself that choosing something for yourself is not the same as doing something to your loved ones. You are responsible for caring for yourself, and self-care is not selfish.
Tactic 2: Lack of empathy.
Grandiose narcissists often appear self-absorbed and openly entitled, but covert narcissists may appear caring and empathetic on the surface. Beneath this façade, however, they lack empathy for others’ thoughts, feelings, and experiences. They may express concern or sympathy when it serves their interests, but their empathy is often self-serving and superficial.
With covert narcissism your emotions are subtly invalidated or downplayed, leaving you to feel unheard and unseen within your own family. You might start thinking it’s not worth expressing your feelings, thoughts and opinions. You may also feel like no one is listening to you. While that might be true of your narcissistic loved one, remember that there are others outside of them who do love, value, and care about you.
Survival Tip 2: Prioritize self-validation and self-compassion.
A covert narcissist can’t or won’t validate your experience unless it aligns with their own experiences. Rather than continuing to look to them for support, build up your inner hype man (or woman, or individual)! Practice self-affirming statements like “My feelings are real and valid, even if others feel differently.” Check in often with friends and family who are supportive, and listen when they offer affirmation and support.
Tactic 3: Control and dominance.
Covert narcissists thrive on maintaining a sense of dominance and control over others from behind the scenes. They maneuver others through subtle power plays, passive-aggressive communication, and emotional blackmail. They may strategically withhold affection or present a false face of victimhood and vulnerability to manipulate others. You may feel you are walking on eggshells around them, never knowing when you will provoke a meltdown or guilt trip. You may be afraid to speak up or assert your own needs for fear of retaliation or backlash. This is especially scary if you happen to be dependent on the narcissist for financial or housing stability.
Survival Tip 3: Establish as much independence and autonomy as possible.
Your circumstances may not permit you to be as free and independent as you may wish, but take whatever steps you can. One of the big “gotchas” of narcissistic abuse is that many gifts are given with invisible strings attached, especially monetary ones. Working your way toward financial independence will benefit you in the long run. If you are already financially independent you can focus on building autonomy in other ways. Practice pausing before responding to a guilt trip or emotional blackmail instead of hurrying to soothe the emotions. And remind yourself that you do not have to fall in line just because the narcissist in your life wants you to.
Tactic 4: Triangulation.
Triangles are a covert narcissist’s favorite shape. Triangulation is a dynamic in which someone in an interpersonal conflict draws in an outside party, involving them in the conflict. Triangulation confuses and disrupts communication and creates alliances that shouldn’t be present. And it often parentifies a child by involving them in an adult disagreement or conflict. A covert narcissist may triangulate by spreading gossip or rumors, pitting family members against each other, or playing favorites to sow discord. They thrive on causing conflict and division among family members, as it allows them to maintain their position of dominance. You may notice feelings of resentment towards some family members, not knowing that the narcissist parent was behind this all along.
Survival Tip 4: Don’t take the bait.
It can be tempting to take the invitation to get in the middle of someone else’s dispute. Whether you are hoping to help resolve a problem or hoping to get some hot tea to spill later, the end result is the same. You’ll become ensnared in an issue that wasn’t yours to begin with. Resist the urge to play the peacemaker or to keep secrets for a narcissist. It’s better and healthier for you to not get involved than to try and wade through someone else’s relational mess. And for those who do genuinely want to help resolve conflict, know that triangulation is not a route to peace. Instead, the narcissist will push you to “pick a side” or coerce you into trying to bring the other person to heel on the narcissist’s behalf.
Tactic 5: Boundary violations.
All relationships, including families, need some boundaries in order to be safe, healthy, and respectful. Covert narcissists are not known for respecting others’ boundaries, although their boundary stomps may be less immediately visible than their grandiose counterparts. They may manipulate your emotions, invade your personal space, or disregard your autonomy in seemingly innocent but harmful ways. You may find yourself feeling intruded upon or smothered by someone who claims to have your best interests at heart. And they will make you feel guilty for expressing your discomfort with the smothering and intrusive behaviors.
Survival Tip 5: Build a fence and guard your gates.
Having boundaries in a relationship doesn’t have to mean cutting off all contact with anyone who causes you pain. Even healthy families can have complicated boundaries and dynamics. Multiply that by infinity for narcissistic families. Remember that you do not have to let someone stomp your fence down just because they happen to be in a stomping mood. You can hold firm even when they throw a tantrum or try to guilt trip you.
And you can choose to disengage if they continue to pressure and manipulate you. A boundary can be as simple as not picking up the phone when the purpose of the call is to pressure or coerce you. You have the right to set and maintain boundaries for yourself, even if it’s not what someone else would prefer.
You’re not alone
Recognizing these subtle signs of covert narcissism within your family can be very challenging and emotionally draining. It is so important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. And there is support available to guide you in navigating these complex dynamics in your family.
If you resonate with any of the signs mentioned above, consider reaching out for professional help and support. Therapy can provide a safe and nonjudgmental space to explore your experiences and feelings, develop coping strategies, and establish healthy boundaries within your family dynamic. And sometimes group therapy with other children of narcissists can be a great way to connect and break the isolation.
If therapy is not your jam, connecting with online communities or support groups who have experienced narcissistic abuse can provide a sense of support and validation. Sharing your story with others who understand you can be incredibly validating and empowering, helping you to reclaim your sense of agency and self-worth.
In the end, recognizing and addressing covert narcissism within your family is a courageous act of self-care and self-preservation. By shedding light on the insidious dynamics of covert narcissism, you can reclaim your voice. Remember, you deserve to be seen, heard, and valued for who you are. You are not responsible for the behavior of others, and you have the power to create the healthy, loving relationships you deserve.
